The thing about depression is that just when you get the hope of feeling good, everything comes back to you. The loneliness, the sadness and the dark thoughts. When all of these hit me, I always turn back to isolation.
Just another depressed blogger
I found that one of the symptoms I’m going thru while depressed is being angry. I get pissed extremely quickly. I’ve started writing this post since yesterday when I almost exploded when my roommates didn’t wake me up to have our morning coffee & go to work. After asking them several times to wake me up in case I don’t on my own, they seem not to care or are annoyed about my presence during morning coffee. After all, they are a couple and maybe I’m tresspassing some sort of privacy boundry. It’s not the first time I feel out of place when I’m with them. They never tell you when you get on their nerves and that makes you constantly think if you are welcomed or you are just their cover up so nobody suspects they are lovers.
Before entering this depression, I didn’t have any problem sleeping 2-3 hours a night and still be fresh at work. Now, I can barely wake up from bed even after 8-10 hours, I still feel tired. In a way, I think I secretly prefer my roommates to wake me up, it gives the morning a sense to wake up, as most of the morning I feel useless with no reason to get out of bed. But when I’m called for coffee, I feel that someone cares for me or I’m needed, even if it sounds silly.
Luckly, I have a strong will. For example, I decided to be a vegetarian and not eat meat at all, so I succeded. The same thing happened yesterday, I’ve decided to wake up on my own from now on and have my coffee in my room alone. I guess some shrink would say this is a bad ideea, but I don’t want to be dissapointed again and turn to my black corner. Although the guys noticed something, I assured them I’m ok.
For now I managed to hide my anger from the people around me by saying that’s how I behave when I’m hungry, funny thing they actually believe it.
Someone might find this blog odd, but it is intended to be a sort of personal treatment to talk about the depression I’m going thru. As I cannot express my feelings with friends or family, I’ve decided to write here in the hope that the feelings that press me every day will not push me too far.
Today started easy out, I’ve signed up for a pet adoption campain downtown so I had to get there by 11 AM, daily goals seems to help out to wake up in the morning. As I woke up, one of my roommates was already awake, having his coffee by the laptop. His boyfriend is still asleep and his cousin Ioana, who is sleeping over, is also still asleep.
After everyone had their coffee in the kitchen, sharing small talk and some usual morning jokes, we packeted the 2 kittens we were planning to give up for adoption (we saved 4 kittens from the trash can somedays ago) and headed in the car. As I holded both kittens in my lap, the black one was so scared of riding the car that it just pooed all over my pants & other kitten, so we had to turn back to wash them & clean our pants.
Once we arrived at the venue, the other volunteers were already there presenting their saved pets and trying almost desperately to convince people to take them in their home. I like to observe people, how they act normal, do nomal routines, as if the world is just one happy place, it calms me.
We managed to give up for adoption one of the kittens, but we took another one home, so we headed back home with 2 kittens again. Here we met with some friends, had some drinks and played darts. By 6 PM everyone went home for lunch and my roommates suggested we went this place where they don’t server vegetarian food, so I had to politely refuse them, it was for the best, they probably have enough of me, too many times I feel like the 5th wheel when I’m with them. They try to be so nice with me, too bad they don’t understand what I’m going thru and even if sometimes I tried to talk about it, it seems that depression is never a serious enough subject. Many times I’ve also thought that you must have a reason why you are depressed, but unfortunately I’ve discovered that you can be depressed without knowing why, a thing that drains all of my powers.
Now I’m waiting for a call to pick me up for supper, I hope that they will arrive soon, I always feel this cold feeling when I’m left alone and my thoughts just go wild with pictures of me doing something stupid. I already feel that sadness in my gut, the same feeling that in last 3 months has been hunting me 24/7, I wish I could know why I’m so sad, why I can’t get over and live my life, but instead I cannot see in the future or a reason to have another supper.
I hope opening this blog was a good ideea.
